Terrible Twosome Tuesday
Welcome to Terrible Twosome Tuesday, the podcast where two sisters dive headfirst into the strange, spooky, and downright unbelievable. Each week, we explore haunted locations, paranormal encounters, urban legends, mysterious disappearances, and all the creepy stories that keep us looking over our shoulders. With a mix of research, storytelling, humor, and plenty of side commentary, Terrible Twosome Tuesday is perfect for anyone who loves a good scare but still enjoys a laugh along the way. Whether you're a seasoned paranormal enthusiast or just here for the chills, join us every Tuesday for a new adventure into the weird and unexplained.
Terrible Twosome Tuesday
S1E9 The Smurl Family Haunting
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In this episode, Ashleigh and Symone suggest a better bureaucratic system to deal with exorcisms and try not to have a panic attack over a toaster on fire. The Smurls were experiencing dark shadows, levitations, and physical attacks in their home for 14 years but it doesn't stop your hosts from making fun of their dad and wondering if Symone's kids will ever figure out how much they make fun of them.
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Welcome back to Terrible Tucsome Tuesday, where two sisters tell you a haunted story and every tale comes with a set of family drama. I'm Ashley. I'm Samur. And today's episode is the Smurl Family Haunting.
SPEAKER_01Ashley, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better than the last time we recorded. Why is that? I slept. So that was good. I've been having insomnia for like six months. And if you know me at all, you know that sleeping is your favorite thing in the world. I'm a Taurus, okay? I'm a big fat bull. I want to lay in the grass and I want to be left the fuck alone. And if I don't do well when I don't sleep.
SPEAKER_00I know. You've never, even when you were a child. You know what's funny? Your youngest, do you know how you say that like he's bad at naps because he wakes up and is like, why am I awake? And he's angry at the world. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that was you too.
SPEAKER_01That would make sense. We just want to nap. It's funny to me because he's a Leo, and um but he's not and he is definitely like fiery and crazy. But he's all like it's me and him wanting a comfy blanket, a cozy movie, a a giant cookie, and we want to chill, and we wanna like we just want to enjoy life's simple pleasures.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, when he's on his chill time, it's so funny how he's like, let me get a little blanket.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that's my child, and then my Capricorn husband and my Aries oldest are like fuck bossing us around, shit needs to get done, and they just talk the whole time, and they they talk the whole time, and I I just think can you guys shut the fuck up so we can have our time?
SPEAKER_00That's so funny because it is so true. Like, you and the Leo are just like we wanna chill out and be quiet and watch a movie and get comfortable, and like the little one is totally like he's not babbling, he's not talking, he is quiet. He's like, This is our time.
SPEAKER_01Well, and if I think about it, lions are pretty lazy, especially male lions.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the females do 80% of the hunting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so the male lions are really like, I just want to sunbathe. Bring me something to eat, please. Yeah. So that's that's the little one for sure. Whoever said that Taurus and Capricorn go well together, I'm not sure you know what you're talking about. Because we were having a discussion the other day about who was more stubborn, and I said, You are more stubborn than I am. There's no fucking way. Because I like I'm stu I know I'm stubborn, but like you are the most hardhead hard-headed person I've ever met in my life. And he said, You are a immovable boulder, and I am just a goat trying to move the boulder. Bullshit. Yeah You have nothing on him. You have nothing on him. Also, he is the pettiest bitch I've ever met in my life. And don't get me wrong, I love it. One thing about my husband, you all need to know is you know how men go to a gathering and one man says to the other, Did you hear so-and-so's getting divorced? And your husband comes back and he says, Oh, honey, so-and-so's getting divorced. And then I say, Why?
SPEAKER_00What happened? Who initiated it? What's going on? Was there like a big thing that happened? Right. Like, what why are they getting divorced? What was go like is it has it been coming for a while? Tell me everything. I need to know all the details.
SPEAKER_01And 99% of men go, I don't know, I didn't ask. That's what Phil says. Not my husband. It's my husband knows every detail of every story that has ever been told. He knows all the gossip. And he just has a face where people want to tell him everything. It's those big brown cow eyes. Yes, and he's a very good listener, so he just takes it all in, he soaks it all up, and then he comes home and he says, Oh my god, babe, guess what? And I say, Oh my god, tell me everything. And he is so petty. I love watching it. I don't love being the victim of the pettiness because and then him and my oldest also love an argument. Oh god. They love an argument. And I have learned that if you take away the argument, it's not fun for them anymore. And so they'll disengage. My husband will keep going, and his his words will get more and more personal because he knows that he can rile me up with specific topics, and I have learned to go, yeah, that's nice to you. And he gets so upset, and my oldest does the same thing, like, all right, well, let me know when you're ready because I'm not gonna argue with you.
SPEAKER_00And he's like, It's like what I had to do when I told you that dad like argues with you just to get you all wound up. And I was like, you have to just it like ignore it and just be like, Okay, dad. Yeah, and you've done that ever since, and I don't think he's had fun since then.
SPEAKER_01No, I think he also stopped loving Trump. So that helped a little. He got a little nuts there for a while. I think he saw the light.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I I also think like he k he doesn't wind me up, so he he was like the next best thing is Simone, and then I cut you in on my little secret, and he hasn't been doing it since. We talk about dad so much, we should have him on here one day. He wouldn't fucking say anything.
SPEAKER_01I he's a man of no words. That's true. He's very quiet. I literally just told Ashley this this morning. She asked, When your youngest was born, did dad meet him in the hospital or at home? Because when my first was born, it was during COVID. So like we didn't no one could be there. And I said he met him in the hospital, and he said, and my my youngest is named after our dad. And she said, What did he say when he found out his full name? And I said, That's cool, man.
SPEAKER_00That's just totally.
SPEAKER_01I pointed to the board with his name on it and said, Dad, look at his name. And he read it and he goes, That's pretty cool, man. There are like TikTok videos of dads like crying over their grandchildren and like going to their daughter, being like, Are you okay? That's my baby. I want to make sure my baby's okay. Dad said, It's pretty cool, man. All right, well, we'll let you get to it. He's a great dad.
SPEAKER_00He's just like the little one's birthday last weekend. It I don't even know if he knew why he was there. Probably not. I think he was like, We're just having a hangout.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh so he's just not a baby person. He's not a kid person, to be honest. Um but I don't get that.
SPEAKER_01He was so much fun when we were kids. No, see, you're five years older than me. And dad was 40 when I was born. Yeah. I'm not 40 yet. I'm still two years away, and I'm so tired, Ashley. So I understand you getting more of the young, vital father. Because by the time I was five, he was like, I'm so fucking tired. And he was still fun, don't get me wrong. But he wasn't like, I'm gonna throw you in the pool. He totally always did that with me. Oh no, by the time I was that age, dad was like, Listen, I worked 10 hours today. I I just want to watch baseball. And I get it.
SPEAKER_00He did that with me too. I do remember at one point grandma being like, Dan, you have to like actually entertain her when you go home. This is why she cries when you pick her up from my house, because she knows you're gonna watch baseball and she's gonna be left to her own devices.
SPEAKER_01Um, to be fair, children need to be left to their own advises, devices more. My oldest cannot play by himself. You have to be engaging with him at all times.
SPEAKER_00And if you're not, he will just talk the whole time that he's sitting there with you. Yes. It never ends.
SPEAKER_01And the youngest is like, I'm gonna fuck off over here and like do my own thing. Yeah. And I'll say all the time, like, go outside, use your imagination, look for bugs, make up a game. And they'll be like, come out with us. And I said, I was better at this than you are. Yeah. I was outside by myself all the time. My sister was five years older than me. By the time I was eight, she was off doing her own thing, and I had to entertain myself. So to be fair, dad had it right. Children need to be left to their own devices instead of up my butt all day, every day.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well, I mean, you weren't gonna catch dad playing Barbies with me, that's for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I'm also sad, just side note, I'm sad that my husband will never be a girl dad, because I think he would be the cutest girl dad ever. And I think there's something so endearing about a girl dad.
SPEAKER_00No, I'm so glad that you don't have girls. They would be the meanest little piss ants on the planet. I would turn them into the biggest man haters. Oh my god, they would be awful. They would be awful. I would be I would definitely be like, I'm not coming to your house unless the girl is gone.
SPEAKER_01Um yeah, she would be I would there's no way I would let her grow up to be straight. Oh my god. But I will say this I should not be left alone with little girls because I just start telling like men don't men don't have no idea what they're talking about. Oh don't listen to men. Don't they're stupid. Um, and then their mom comes back and they say, Why are you Why does my daughter hate her dad all of a sudden? Yeah, and I just say sorry. So anyway, I feel better. I slept. Okay, I'm glad that you're 12 hours. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. If we can't banter, I don't know what we're doing this for.
SPEAKER_00That's true. That's true. We should try to keep it to paranormal stuff sometimes, but I guess it doesn't make any difference. You can fast forward if you don't like it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, someone put in the comments when we start talking about the story.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the time. Mark it. Maybe we'll like just title the time. Put the title, put the time in the title. Put the time. Anyway, today, Junior. Let's get to it. Okay. So today we're talking about the Smarle family from West Pitson, Pennsylvania.
SPEAKER_01Listen, are there Amish people in this story? Uh no. I didn't mean to offend anyone from Pennsylvania. I just know that's where a lot of Amish live.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, hell, I don't know, they could be Amish, I don't know. There were no suggestions that they were. Okay. So this haunting actually inspired two separate movies. There was a made-for-tv movie from 1991, and then also it apparently inspired the Conjuring The Last Rights, which I think was the last conjuring movie. It was loosely based on this haunting.
SPEAKER_01I only saw the first conjuring.
SPEAKER_00Oh, Phil and I saw we watched them all from beginning to end last year, and we watched them. I can't remember if we watched them by like when they came out or chronological order, because the the times go back and forth. But yeah, we watched all of them. What one was the best? I still think the first one was the best. It was pretty it was pretty freaky, not gonna lie. Freaked me out. I think Phil liked the last one the best because it was he said that it was more like an action movie, but I think I liked the first one the best. Honestly, my memory is so terrible, I can't remember any of the other ones in between. So don't take my word for it. It was a year ago, and yeah. You're getting up there. Okay, that's funny. Anyway, so between 1974 and 1989, the Smurl family claimed that they were haunted that whole time. They were investigated by demonologist, the clergy, psychologist, and scientific skeptics. So I totally remember watching the Made for TV movie when I was little and I was super freaked out about it. What was it called? I think it was called A Haunting or The Haunting. I like there's a million movies that are called one of those. How old were you? Oh god, I was like eight or nine. Who was letting you grandma? Thank you, Grandma, for not monitoring my TV time.
SPEAKER_01Grandma and dad were the worst. But also, like, I grew up with really good taste in movies. That's true. That's true. But Revenge of the Nerds is not appropriate for your five-year-old dad. Neither is Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Bull Durham or Tombstone. Bulldurm.
SPEAKER_00None of those movies are appropriate for five-year-olds. The Shaw Shank Redemption probably isn't either.
SPEAKER_01That is not appropriate. Stephen King in general, not appropriate for five-year-olds.
SPEAKER_00Okay, dad let me watch The Exorcist uh when I was 12. And years later, I brought it up to him, and he was like, I didn't watch it with you. I've only seen that movie once, and that was enough for me, and yada yada yada. And I was like, no, Dad, I was definitely sitting on the couch next to you while you were in your recliner watching that movie. Like, I don't know why you thought I was like watching it by myself. Regardless, someone let you watch poltergeist at school. Oh, I did I say poltergeist? I meant the exorcist. I think you did say exorcist. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um people mom shame you because of like the types of movies that you put on when your kids are around, and people at work were people at work were telling me like I didn't there was like some movie on with my oldest, and they said, I don't think that's appropriate for a five-year-old, and I said, Okay. I was watching the worst of the worst 80s movies. Oh yeah. Uh at five years old, and I turned out fine.
SPEAKER_00So So anyway, this duplex that the Smurls were living in, they lived on one side, and then Jack Smurl, his parents lived on the other side. Who's Jack Smurl to the Smurls? Jack is the dad, the husband and the dad.
SPEAKER_01So on one side was Jack and Janet and their kids.
SPEAKER_00Okay. And then the other side was Jack's parents. Oh, okay. Got it. That was not hard to get, but so Jack and his wife Janet lived there with their two young daughters, Dawn and Heather, and then later on their twins, Sharon and Karen. Don't do that. Right. Don't fucking do that. And they spelled Karen weird too. Don't fucking do that. I can't. Jesus Christ. So this duplex was an 80-year-old fixer-upper, and the family spent the first few months painting and making repairs. Did they own it or did they rent it? I think they were renting it. Don't do that either. But this is like the like 1974, and I think things were different that I don't know.
SPEAKER_01But you put money into a house you don't own.
SPEAKER_00Well, I don't know if they own it or not.
SPEAKER_01I know. I'm just saying. I'm giving advice for now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Okay. Within a few months, Janet started noticing weird stains on the carpet and a sulfur smell in the house. Okay. So, like, I don't know if you know what sulfur smells like, but it's really disgusting. Like rotten eggs. It smells like rotten eggs, and it's like I couldn't live in that. There's no way. And also I'd be like, where the fuck are these weird stains coming from? Like, what are the kids doing?
SPEAKER_01Did it say what the stains looked like?
SPEAKER_00No. Okay. Just weird stains. I would be so fucking irritated. Oh, yeah, for sure. Tools would go missing, then reappear. What? Dad would lose his shit.
SPEAKER_01Dad would they get up and walk away. He would lose his shit.
SPEAKER_00It would again be our fault.
SPEAKER_01It would be our fault 100%. And we would be like, Dad, I don't even know what a fucking nail gun fucking looks like. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Let alone can I probably pick it up, but I mean you could pick it up, but dad would dad would lose not be having that. He yeah. Um also stains seeped through fresh paint on the walls. Okay. I mean, that will happen if you don't primer properly. Well, that that could be the case here. Um a toaster caught on fire even though it was unplugged. Oh, see, dad would this is dad's worst nightmare. It is. This is dad's worst night plugged. Why is it catching it fire? What the hell? The toilets were also flushing on their own, which again would piss dad off.
SPEAKER_01Also, though that would like a constant flushing noise would be very driving me nuts. Yeah. My husband would also be pissed.
SPEAKER_00Uh, but yeah, dad would be like, what the hell is going on? So they repeatedly heard knocks, footsteps, and banging through the house as well. So it was just like constant noise all the time, which just is like a nightmare to me. How did they live there for so long? I don't know. Because I overstimulate overstimulating to say the least.
SPEAKER_01And they had young kids too. So not only do you have young kids overstimulating the fuck out of you, but you got fucking ghost noises all over the place.
SPEAKER_00Like I I couldn't. No. Objects also moved on their own, like the beds shook and scratches started appearing on family members.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Okay. They claimed that they would often see black masses appear and turn into shadow figures that would move through the walls or just stand in the corner and like watch them.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00And the whole family, including Jack's parents, claimed to have seen these shadows figure, these shadow figures.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. What is your take on shadow figures? I see them all the time. Yeah, that doesn't tell me what your take is. My take is that they exist. I see them all the time. Great. That was a good dissertation. So you pass 100%.
SPEAKER_00Either I see them all the time or I need to get my my glasses checked.
SPEAKER_01No, I so I have actually never seen a ghost. And I never really knew what anybody was talking about when they said like out of the corner of their eye, right? Until that one night it was just you and me in in your apartment, and I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye. And I was like, that's never happened to me before. And so no, I I think they exist.
SPEAKER_00I'm asking you, like, do you think that they are inherently bad? So I think most of the time shadow figures are just passing through and they're just kind of seeing what's going on. But I do think that there is like that tiny percentage that like it's bad.
SPEAKER_01Like so, and I have heard people experience like a black mess, yeah. That the black is so dark that it's like you can't see through it. No. And it's like a black they've never seen before. Like it's just very deep. Like that is what these people are seeing. Okay. So I've never seen that, obviously. But I have had like a ghost appear to me, not in front of my eyes, but like in my mind's eye, right? And he appeared as smoke, um, like dark smoke. And but I knew I like I was like, that's not what you look like, stop fucking with me. Yeah. Um and eventually it like cleared up and he showed but like ghosts will sometimes appear to you as scarier or like try to make you think that they are demonic or evil. Yeah. Um so I was just wondering what you're because I I think I agree, like most shadow people are passing through looking around, seeing what's going on.
SPEAKER_00Let me clarify actually. Okay. So I think I've always seen like shadow figures and black masses. Even before you moved in here. Even before I moved in here. But I've never seen them like I have since I've been here. Like it's a weekly occurrence here. And most of the time there is an actual shape to the figure. It's almost human, but not quite human. Um, I think those are the spirits that are just passing through. The black masses, I think they're a little bit more active, I guess, with the living, but the ones that appear to be like almost human, I think they're the ones that are just like just checking in, just saying hi. And do you see both here? I've not seen a black mass here. I've seen a black mass like twice. Where? I don't remember. I think one of them was probably on the Wallace at the Wallace house. The other one I feel like was when we lived in Court d'Alene Place. But I'm not I can't remember exactly where I saw it. Um it was just so innocuous that I it like I don't I just have a vision of seeing it, and it was there and gone so quickly that there it didn't like leave a lasting time to like process. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But you also saw in your apartment the figure at the end of your bed. Yes. And it was not human.
SPEAKER_00No, he wasn't at the end of my bed. He was in my doorway. It was Maureen who saw the same thing at the end of her bed. Yeah, and he had very long fingers. So Maureen and I lived in the same apartment complex but different buildings, and she had told me this story about this thing that she saw at the end of her bed one night that woke her up. And then like a week later, I saw the exact same thing uh standing in the doorway of my bedroom, and it was like the way that I describe it was like almost alien, like it was as tall as the doorway, and it had like a bigger head and it was a little misshapen, and it had like long, long fingers, and it was really thin and black. And uh when Maureen had told me what she saw, I kind of didn't really. Pay attention to the details of what she had described. And then when I saw it, I went back to her and I said, Is this what you saw? And she said, Yes, that's exactly what I saw. There's something on the property here for sure. And I do have to say we live next to train tracks. And there something tells me that whatever has shown up here has been affiliated with those train tracks in some way or another. Mary, Jack's mom, who again lived next door. Yeah. She and Janet claim to have heard voices that sounded like one another. So Janet could hear Mary calling her name repeatedly. I fucking hate that.
SPEAKER_01I fucking hate the idea of mimics.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And Mary says that she heard Jack and Janet arguing and cursing at one another when that never happened. I fucking hate that. Yeah. That is the I don't know why that's so freaky to me.
SPEAKER_01I think it's just so personal.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Like you're trying to get at me so hard that you're mimicking someone I love. Yes. Because I've never heard of a mimic like just mimicking random people. It's always like somebody that you love.
SPEAKER_01Someone you know, someone you live with, someone you're close to. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't like that. Like if I swear to God, if a mimic I'm putting this message out there to you, Mimics, if you come to me and mimic my children, I will exercise you so fucking quickly. Because I swear to God, yeah, I will call my grandma. And you don't want to meet that bitch. Okay. I love my grandma dearly. Our grandma. Yeah. Thank you. I love her dearly. She's the she was the most amazing woman, but she's scary as fuck. And you don't fuck with her. And I will call her. For sure.
SPEAKER_00So don't fucking do that. She might be little, but she's scary. Anyway, so one night while in bed, Jack heard a young woman whispering to him. And when he turned to face Janet, he saw a shadow figure run up her body. So I've never seen or experienced that. I don't think that's a good idea. Like they always kind of keep a distance. Yeah, I don't think that's a shadow figure. Yeah, I don't think that this is a shadow person they're working with here. So neighbors started hearing, they reported hearing blood curdling screams and saw lights flickering even when the family wasn't home. And I'm not talking like on off, on off. It it was like the whole, like all the lights in the house, the whole thing like on off, on off, on off, like just flickering like crazy, and like this screaming noise that just wouldn't stop, and then like things flying around in the windows.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So these are the neighbors that are reporting all of this.
SPEAKER_01Did it ever happen while they were home? Or they not to that extent, no.
SPEAKER_00The first occurrence was on the night of Heather's confirmation. So what the fuck? Don't exactly know what a confirmation is or how old you are when that happens. It's a Catholic though, right? I believe so. But um Heather was young. Janet and Heather were in the kitchen, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the ceiling light that was attached to the ceiling with two chains onto a beam crashed down onto the kitchen table out of nowhere.
SPEAKER_01Okay. I'm gonna say this all demons are Leos. All demons mostly hate Catholics. I'm not saying I hate Catholics. You would be whatever you want. But it seems as though evil entities really fucking hate Catholicism, which I think is weird because I am no religious expert. I know nothing about the Bible. Uh, but Jesus was Jewish. So logically, I would think that they would hate Jewish people. Right. But they really fucking hate Catholics.
SPEAKER_00As far as what I've been told about Catholicism, is that if there is a spirit, it's a demon. So, like anything that haunts you is a demon. That's what I've been told. I have no idea if that's correct. So if it's not, then let me know. Yeah, I think maybe that is why there are so many Catholics who are attacked by demons. I have no idea. But they do seem to, you know.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I just learned this the other day because one of my co-workers is religious, and she was giving me a little Bible study, and it was actually really interesting. Um, I'm usually not interested in stuff like that, but her take is very uh like uh theological, like very uh studious. And she was saying that it wasn't technically Jewish people that sacrificed well, first she said no one sacrificed Jesus, Jesus sacrificed himself. Like he that was his choice, but it wasn't Jewish people, it was the Romans. And I don't know what religion the Romans were then, but Roman Catholicism seems to be a theme in religion, I guess. Um so a confirmation ceremony is a Christian rite of passage where a baptized person makes a mature personal public profession of faith. Marks the transition into adult church membership, and it's actually practiced by Catholics, Protestants and Angelicans slash episcopales. Okay Episcopalians. Yeah. Do you have to be a certain age? This doesn't say. This says that you renew your vows, a bishop or pastor places their hands on your head or shoulder, uh, and then you're anointed. In Catholic Orthodox and some Angelican rites, the minister anoints the person's forehead with holy oil and says, be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit. Okay. Um and Catholics consider it one of the seven sacraments normally administered by a bishop during Mass, where recipients often choose a saint's name. Oh, that's interesting. Okay, uh little side rant, sorry. One time I went to a Greek Orthodox funeral. And I'm I I want to tell a story with Maureen here, but I'm gonna say it anyway. This bitch, this fucking bitch. I love her so much, she's like our third sister, but this fucking bitch. So this man that we loved dearly, we were friends with, he was older. He they were Greek Orthodox, and it was his funeral. And so Maureen and I went, and um, we are walking up the steps to this church funeral home, whatever it is, and Maureen turns to me and she says, Uh, did Mary tell you? And I said, Tell me what? And she said, Have you ever been to an open casket funeral before? Oh my god. And I said, No. And she said, It's the this is open casket. And I said, Bitch, what the fuck? And the doors opened and we had to go in. And I said, What in my head, I was like, what the what the fuck? What the fuck? And then I looked at her like you fucking owe me. I won't go into the details because I don't want to be offensive. Let's just say we stuck out like sore thumbs, and I could hear our friend who passed like laughing at us because we were looking around the room like what world are we in right now? They kept calling him George, and that was not his name, and they said George, the departed, George, the whatever George, the and I looked at Marie and I said, Who the fuck is George?
SPEAKER_00The wrong fucking funeral.
SPEAKER_01No, we're not, because I can fucking see him, Ashley. He's right there. I can fucking see him. Um, and we I was so fucking confused. I was like, who the fuck is George? And then find out later that Greek Orthodox also chooses a saint's name. Okay. And his saint name was George. And so now that he had passed, they only referred to referred to him as his saint name.
SPEAKER_00So when his wife speaks of him, does she say George now? No, she uses his real name.
SPEAKER_01Okay. But in this right in Greek Orthodoxism, uh they they I I was so fucking confused. It also lasted like three hours. And by the time that we were done, I had to go to a fucking Christmas party. And I said, I you know, I just don't feel like celebrating the Lord right now. But it was the strangest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life, and I'm not saying no hate. It was also in its own way very beautiful. Um, but I just was not prepared. I've been to a lot of funerals. Yeah. Everyone in our family is dead. Um, I've been to a lot of funerals. Our funerals are us making fun of the dead person, right? Um, and making jokes about them and telling nice stories and you know, whatever, looking at pictures and saying they would have hated that fucking picture and laughing and whatever. That this was not that. Um, this was not that.
SPEAKER_00This was That's so bizarre because you're right, like the funerals in our family have not been fun, but they're like we do laugh through them, and then the week afterwards is like a party. Yeah, we get shit faced for like a week. Yeah. I mean, like when when grandma died, we all drank her horrible vodka martinis. Uh, I don't know how we even got those down and smoked a cigarette for her. They were not martinis. They were just vodka with three olives in it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And so I just was not prepared. Also, looking back, uh, I think I was also just very mad at Maureen for not telling you. A bitch. And you know what she said afterwards? We walked out and I said, What the fuck? That was my first. I I still had a bone to pick with her after three hours. And I said, What the fuck? Why wouldn't you fucking tell me that? And she said, I knew if I told you you wouldn't come. And I said, You're such a bitch. She's such an ass. I've never forgiven her for that. And she's right, I would not have come. I would not have gone. Uh, but and uh the strange thing is too, is that I've seen dead people. Yeah, I've seen multiple dead people not uh like in their coffin. Right. Uh like you know, naturally dead. It was just such a different uh like feeling seeing someone who's been like made up. Yeah. Anyway, that was just I just needed you all to know what a bitch my best friend is. Um, and don't let her take you to a funeral.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I've been to enough funerals with her, so I don't need to like I don't trust her going forward if it's not in my family.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I from now on, every one we go to, I'm gonna say, do you you know information I don't and now I just need to find an open casket funeral and make her go. I don't think she'll be phased.
SPEAKER_00Probably not, because she's a fucking weirdo. Yeah. Um, so let's get back into uh Jack and Janet. No, you're fine. After the uh ceiling crashed down onto the kitchen table out of nowhere, and again, it was hung there with two chains onto a beam, so there should have been no reason that both chains failed at the same time. Soon after that, they would hear and see doors opening and closing and unlocking by themselves, and then also lights turning on and off, and Jack and Janet's bedroom door would rapidly open and shut over and over and over again.
SPEAKER_01This whole thing is just so overstimulating. So much noise. And I don't I do you know how like psychologically draining that is?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like I cannot imagine being in that house for even five minutes, especially like that all going on and then two young kids. No. I no I'm so tired, and I only have two young kids. Right. The banging that they would hear, it would be like banging and pounding in threes. And then again, like the ghost and the Holy Spirit.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Again, items would start missing like more items other than just Jack's tools. Jack and Janet are laying in bed one night when it starts violently shaking the bed, and then they saw a black shadow lurking in their room. And this is again like that deep dark black that you can't see through smoky, misty shadow just hovering in their room.
SPEAKER_01You're an artist. Is that called obsidian black? You have like a very specific paint that's black and it's like very deep, like light can't penetrate it black.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's vanta black. Well, I have a fake Vanta black. Okay, yeah, it it's it's almost like that. Like there's no reflection coming off of it whatsoever. Another night, Janet was violently yanked from the bed, and then the family starts reporting hearing pig grunts, which to me, like again, I think we've discussed this before, but like pigs and demons go hand in hand.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that happened at Amityville. Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_00Um, I don't fucking like that.
SPEAKER_01No. I don't fucking I would rather hear a massive lion roar in my bedroom than the fucking pig. Get the fuck out of here. And I mean the animal, not the cop. Well, no, cops too. Get the fuck out of here. I did not do you have a warrant.
SPEAKER_00Um, so then also on one occasion, this is sad. Whatever this thing was, picked up their 75-pound German Shepherd, levitated it off the ground, and slammed it into a wall.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00Like for sure, to me, that would be like the last straw. Like, don't hurt my animals. Or your children. I don't have children. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um I am confident that if someone picked up my cat, she would a ghost would strain its back. The You're such a bitch. She is 12 pounds.
SPEAKER_00She is. You're fooling yourself.
SPEAKER_01Well, vet said that she is perfectly healthy as long as she's under 15.
SPEAKER_00That bitch ain't been under 15 in a long time.
SPEAKER_01She is 12 pounds. She's also old. I don't know why you have to be so mean to her. I'm not mean to her face anymore. That's a step. She does she's getting nicer in her old age. No, she's not. She let her she let you pass her. I've been working on that relationship lately. Anyway, if something picked up Melena, she would she wouldn't be having it. She No. The fuck I think not, sir.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I feel like if I saw Melena levitating and throwing a fit and kicking and scratching and screaming all at the same time, that would be pretty comical.
SPEAKER_01I also would think that she's doing it herself.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, exactly. Because I call her meows a bub.
SPEAKER_01So she's to be fair, it's only Ashley that she's that mean to.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I might deserve it, but I've been working on the relationship with the city.
SPEAKER_01I don't think you do. It was literally just one day she started hating you.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm. It came out of nowhere. And I've always been and before that I had always been very sweet to her because I love cats, I love animals. I would never be mean to an animal. And uh yeah, I don't know. She just woke up one day and said, I fucking hate you. To be fair, you're not physically mean to Melena.
SPEAKER_01No, just psychologically. Yeah. Which could be worse. But she's also very confident in who she is. That's true. So after the Okay, so the dog gets picked up is the dog okay?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the dog is okay. But then one night after that, Jack claimed to be violently attacked while he was praying. He claimed to be dragged across the floor and covered in scratches down his chest. See, I hope this is why I'm not religious.
SPEAKER_01I'm just kidding.
SPEAKER_00So Jack's mother, Mary, claimed that she was shoved down the basement stairs and had been slapped hard across the face. Oh, bitch, I think the fuck not.
SPEAKER_01This is a man. This is a man ghost. Oh. And that's not fucking happening today. No woman ghost would do that. If she was jealous, maybe. Yeah, you know, now that I think about it. Uh-Just see that happening from a woman way more. Another side rant. I saw this TikTok and it said, give me the worst you've ever done to your ex to so I can measure if I'm unhinged or not. The women in those comments. Right. I was like, holy fuck. Just real quickly, this w this lady said, My mom, her boyfriend cheated on her. And so she moved out and then would sneak back in when he was gone. And she would move stuff and she would like bring stuff in and like whatever for so long that he eventually was like, I'm going crazy. And he admitted himself into a psych hospital. So then she comes into the psych hospital to visit him and she goes, Hey, I have something to tell you. My God. It was me, but then no one would believe him because he was in a psych hospital.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. That's some crazy shit. That is like fucking unhealthy. That's a mutant script. That's nuts. That that's not normal.
SPEAKER_01That's not normal. Get back at your ex. So listen, I know I laugh and man hate a lot. I actually But women are fucking crazy too. I don't hate men. Um, some people are just crazy. Poor Mary. It's how and she's the mom, like the grandma. She's the grandma, yeah. So she's she's she's you know.
SPEAKER_00You don't treat grandmas like that. No, not at all. The nice ones. Some grandmas are mean. So this is where like I would if I hadn't moved out after the dog, I would move out after this. The family starts seeing this, what they described as a grotesque half human, half pig creature in doorways. Absolutely not. Yeah, it's not fucking happening. No, not at all. I don't wanna I don't uh like I don't deal with the half this, half that no. No, nothing good is coming of that.
SPEAKER_01And again, I don't want a pig in my house.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So they also reported seeing an old woman appearing at the foot of Jack and Janet's bed. Okay. Well, I mean Okay, so old woman do that. After seeing the half pig, half man, um, the woman, I would be like, Welcome. So um, yeah, the old woman I'd be like, you're fine. Yeah. Just go back to sleep.
SPEAKER_01As long as you're not gonna oink at me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you can watch me sleep all night. So the family claimed to have heard demonic sounding laughter, and that something in the house has been heard mimicking one of the daughters. Again, with the mimics and then the demonic laughter. I don't I can't get past that.
SPEAKER_01I'm not sure I really know what demonic laughter sounds like, but if I heard it, I think I would know, I feel like.
SPEAKER_00So Janet said that she heard her daughter screaming in the basement, but when she checked, the daughter was asleep upstairs. Uh no. So on other occasions that's a big no for me, dog. Yeah. On other occasions, crucifixes were bent or snapped, rosaries were breaking apart, and Janet one time, while also trying to pray, heard voices joining in her prayer and mocking and cursing at her.
SPEAKER_01Excuse me. That is so fucking rude.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That is so fucking rude.
SPEAKER_00For sure.
SPEAKER_01She's just trying to get close to the Lord.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you're still here. Like, she's not banishing you. Like, let her have her time. Okay, so again comes this what I think is a female ghost that pushed Mary down the stairs. Jack claimed to have been sexually assaulted by a succubus in his living room while watching TV, and Janet was pinned down and physically harmed.
SPEAKER_01This sounds like an angry female. Well, how does she do that at the same time?
SPEAKER_00This sounds like Well, no, she didn't do it at the same time.
SPEAKER_01Oh. Everyone keep their hands to themselves.
SPEAKER_00Didn't you ever watch the touching video? I don't recall the touching video. Oh. But I do know to keep my hands to myself. Well. Okay, so here we have Ed and Lorraine Warren on scene. Okay, they're demonologists. We've talked about them before. They're super famous demonologists. Again, this the conjuring was loosely based off of this, and Ed and Lorraine are the central characters in that movie. So they're called in to investigate. And according to Ed, the demon that was there was very powerful. And while they tried to get rid of it by playing religious music and praying, it started shaking mirrors and furniture. He said there were also three other spirits in the home. He claimed there was a drop in temperature and that he saw a dark mass form. He also claimed that the demon left a message on a mirror telling him to get out.
SPEAKER_01So has Ed ever said that he has like medium abilities?
SPEAKER_00I don't think I've ever heard that. I always thought he was just kind of like there to protect Lorraine. Well, he says he's a demonologist. Yeah. I'm not really sure. But I don't know if he has any like abilities.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um I've never because I've never heard of him saying that he's like seen anything.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So they investigate for months and they claim to have had a number of audio tapes containing knocking and rapping caused by the demon. I don't know that anybody's ever heard them, but they claimed they had tons of them. You know who has them now? Zach Baggins. Zach Baggins.
SPEAKER_01I just want to put this out there. We're not hating on you, Zach Baggins. I love ever. If forever, if for whatever reason you ever listen to this, we are not hating on you. No, I love you. We joke with those that we love. Yeah. But I bet you have them, don't you? I bet you fucking have them.
SPEAKER_00I'm sure. At one point, Ed witnessed both Jack and Janet levitating off the bed as high as the ceiling. So this was like very active spiritual entity to be doing this in front of a third party.
SPEAKER_01Did anyone ever do any like history check? Does anyone ever like, hey, when was this house built? What was it built on?
SPEAKER_00So the house was 80 years old, but as far as I know, I don't know that anybody ever did any history on it to see like what happened.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Was there any report of like the people before them experiencing this? I don't remember, but we'll get to that because I think that I researched that.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00But if I didn't, then we're not going to get to it. So there you go. Um Thank you. Another great dissertation from Dr. Suggs. Ed also claimed to have been thrown back ten feet at some point, and that's when they decided that this was too strong to get rid of on their own, and tried to get help from the Catholic Church, but they were denied.
SPEAKER_01I, you know, uh
SPEAKER_00What does it take? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What does it take? Yeah. If man bear pig showing up does not initiate a need for a priest, I'm not sure what does.
SPEAKER_00Right. Yeah. Um, but all right, go off. Okay, so Ed was quoted as saying, I did not have to wait moments when the very thing I felt was a drop in temperature of at least 30 some degrees, then a dark mass formed about three feet in front of me. There was a sound in back of me I could hear rattling around.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So then Ed then, after being denied by the Catholic Church, he took to the media asking for two or three priests to help exercise the demon. So at that point, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who later became Pope in 2005, he was assigned as an exorcist to this case, which apparently cleared the demon out for a brief period. It always does. Right. It's always a little trick.
SPEAKER_01It's like herpes. Ew. They're always coming back. Well, they are. They're always coming back. It doesn't like the first exorcism never fucking works. No. You need to rethink your exorcism procedure.
SPEAKER_00Or just like go to the highest form of exorcism that you can do right off the bat.
SPEAKER_01Right. What's the harm?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What's the harm?
SPEAKER_00Well, there could be harm because there was a case of a girl that died during an exorcism. Okay. So maybe we don't go that extreme every time. Okay. So over this time period of 10 years, Ed and Lorraine did a series of four exorcisms. So not a lot of exorcisms in ten years. Yeah. Um, in 1986, a spokesman for the Roman Catholic Church said they were unsure of what was causing the disturbances, but suggested there might be less demonic explanations. So they were non-believers. They did not believe this family, apparently. The family had the house blessed several times, and each priest said there was no activity while they were there. One priest even stayed two nights and said nothing happened.
SPEAKER_01I always find it really sad when uh a family is claiming to go through this and people don't believe him. Which is kind of the reason that we started the podcast in the first place, right? Is so that people might have a place to come and be believed that they're not going crazy. And for someone that you are like putting so much faith in, not just like, you know, a religious faith, but like this is the cure, this is how you do it. This is we can't get higher than this. Right, exactly.
SPEAKER_00Like there's nothing is going to get rid of this except for this one thing.
SPEAKER_01And I you you probably feel so much hope at first. Yeah. Yeah. And then for them to be like, we don't believe you. There's nothing just here. So it probably just makes it so much easier for things to happen after that because you just have like lost so much.
SPEAKER_00Right. They're not gonna come back after they've just after they've found nothing. Right. But it's like at the very least, could you do a right or something to help out the space while you're here?
SPEAKER_01Could you leave some of that holy water? Right. You know. Something. Yeah. Like could you maybe like just bless the dog?
SPEAKER_00Right? That poor dog. Yeah. A professor at the of University of New York, who was the chairman of the committee for the scientific investigation of claims of the paranormal.
SPEAKER_01It's a really long name.
SPEAKER_00Yes. He said that the Warrens weren't objective and claimed the haunting was a hoax and blamed the claims on the family's delusions. So this is like a whole entire committee that is based in investigating the paranormal. And for this person who I don't believe had ever even been to this home to just be like, no, the Warrens are making it up, the family is crazy, it's like I think you have the wrong job.
SPEAKER_01Well, could it be that there's maybe some like competition happening between like maybe he just doesn't like the Warrens? That's possible. Um, there are a lot of people who don't believe that the Warrens are legit, and I think that you have very factual reasons for that. So if they maybe think that if the because the Warrens got involved, it's automatically like a media scandal or whatever. Um so I could see that. But I mean at least give these this family the benefit of the doubt because the the family might not have be in on the uh the host, the paranormal drama community.
SPEAKER_00Right. Give them some grace and like investigate before you just say, no, you brought in the Warrens and they're full of shit. Yeah. So we don't believe you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I have to say, even if the Warrens are full of shit, I don't know if they are or not. But um Lorraine was just the cutest old life.
SPEAKER_00According to Ed and Lorraine, I don't know who actually like set these this out, but according to the two of them, one of the spirits was supposedly an older woman who was considered harmless and was described as wearing old-fashioned clothing and just drifting between rooms. So that's probably the ghost they saw at the end of the bed. Yeah. The worn suggested that she either lived there once before or was part of the property's history, which, like, no shit. Um no, it was actually like she came in on the Mayflower and just posted up. So the second spirit was a sinister young girl who often became violent and was blamed for a lot of the poltergeist activity that was going on.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I was gonna say that there there seemed to be some like poltergeisty things happening.
SPEAKER_00I don't I think we may have talked about this before, but like my belief is that poltergeists aren't spirits, it's energy that comes off of the property property's occupants or even the property itself. Maybe there was this this young girl spirit who was causing poltergeist activity, like moving things around and throwing things around, or there was a poltergeist. Like, I don't think that she was the poltergeist. So while they did call it poltergeist, I'm just saying it's a violent entity. This spirit supposedly hurled objects, made loud banging noises, scratched family members, and screamed during the night. So that is your child to a T.
SPEAKER_01Yes. That's just that's Leo energy as well. Yeah. I love a Leo. I love a Leo. Not a lot of people like Leos. Okay. Do they suck the energy out of the room sometimes? Yeah. But it's energy you vibe off of.
SPEAKER_00I feel like we bring the energy, we don't suck it out.
SPEAKER_01Well, you you suck it into you. Okay. And then you say And then we bring it. Look at all this energy I brought. Like Kyle from Summer House. I always think like he's just there's one part where he goes, I just need to be out in the sun.
SPEAKER_00I'm like, of course you do, you little lion.
SPEAKER_01Of course you just need to go.
SPEAKER_00That's all we want.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, of course you just need to go lay out in the sun and wag your tail sometimes to get flies away.
SPEAKER_00This little violent spirit was apparently super aggressive toward Janet and then also toward Jack's mother, Mary. Um I know. She caused a lot of emotional and physical distress, and the Warrens believed this girl was being controlled by a darker entity. This third spirit was a man who had died on the property decades before the family moved in. So there's your history that you asked about. Thank you. His presence was associated with feelings of sadness and sorrow.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_00He reportedly appeared as a shadowy figure and gave a cold feeling in certain rooms. So there are your your spirits, and then the demon itself that was there was said to exert control over the other spirits and was supposedly the most violent and harmful entity. No shit, probably. The demon appeared usually as a dark mass that moved between rooms and doors slamming violently and voices issuing threats. When the Warrens played Gregorian chance and performed prayers, the demon stepped up its activity by rattling doors and furniture and making objects fly across the room.
SPEAKER_01Gregorian chance. Yeah, like you'll have to look those up. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So Lorraine believed this family in particular was chosen to quote unquote endure a spiritual battle greater than themselves. Chosen by what? These God, I'm guessing.
SPEAKER_01I don't know. And God said, fuck this house. Fuck these people.
SPEAKER_00Alright. Well, okay. Go off the ring. So all these exorcisms that the Warrens did would lessen the activity each time, but it would always come back stronger after a brief period of quiet, just like it always does. The Smurl family left the home in 1987. However, the demon followed them, which is often the case. Yeah, it would appear as a black mass to them. And I remember watching that movie that this was based on, and and seeing that your cat is really a menace. She's she's a menace. She's joining us. She's joining us today. I remember watching this movie and they were moving, and I was like, oh good, they'll be, you know, happy little family, no big deal. Everything loved a happy ending. Yes. And then they I remember the scene so specifically. They move into their new house. It's a beautiful new home. Janet has boxes stacked on the dining table. She leaves the room and all of a sudden a black mess appears above the dining table. And I remember being like, oh my God. And that was my first encounter with like realizing that spirits can find you and like go with you. So that was terrifying to me. But to wrap this up, the Catholic Church did perform one final secret exorcism. Secret? Yeah. That apparently got rid of the demon for good.
SPEAKER_01Why was it secret?
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I think because they initially said that they didn't believe them. They didn't want to like go back on their word, but they were like, we'll do it, but just don't tell anybody. That's shady. Yeah. This case became a media frenzy, and like news vans and neighbors camped outside their lawn for years while this was going on. So these poor people, like they never really got a break.
SPEAKER_01So is that the end?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. They moved and then the Catholic Church got rid of it.
SPEAKER_01Oh. I feel bad that they that was a long time. That's a long time. What did I say? 14 years? Yeah. Yeah. That's a long fucking time to deal with that. And like the psychological setbacks of like constantly being tortured by noises and scratches and like all these things. And then them not believing you and then it's just very traumatic. Um and I don't think that there's any really like moving on from that. And like I like I we have the same therapist. If I were to go to our therapist and say this is happening to me, he would go, okay, uh, or well, you know, maybe you should like rethink some medication. Uh so it's not like you can go to a therapist and be like, I need EMDR therapy. Because I'm being traumatized by a poltergeist. Right. I just think we need a better way of dealing with these things than like off the cuff, right? I this has been going on for a very, very long time. And it just I am a government employee. I like a procedure manual. Um, I like something telling me what to do and when. And I just think that that should exist.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I also I can understand where the Catholic Church is coming from because if they investigated every complaint that they got, they there's no there's no time or resource for that. So I do understand them being like, we need to have some kind of proof. But I also think that sometimes they do it without a lot of proof. I maybe it maybe it depends on the person that you talk to. I don't know. But three billion Catholics in this world, and you can't have a team dedicated to fucking Okay, that's that's my thought is that like, do they have a team that just does this? They should. I think that they do. I feel like I remember somewhere sometime something seeing a Catholic priest talking about how he was on the like this this like paranormal exorcism team. But I don't I don't know. I obviously don't remember where I heard that or saw that, so I could be completely wrong. There's not a team big enough to deal with the billions of people that will come forward saying I need the Catholic Church's help.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I do also believe that the Catholic priests who are uh dealing with these sorts of things, I do think that they have some sort of medium ability. Um maybe it doesn't look like mine or yours, or but I I do think that they can step into a room and say there's something here evil or this feels neutral or whatever. Yeah, and so like maybe they go off of like what they feel, right? Like maybe they're like, oh okay, this could be I don't know. I just I just feel like there's probably better ways to do this, but what do I know?
SPEAKER_00Well, that's the scary thing about hauntings is that it's not something that's tangible. Most of the time you can't even see it. What uh is there to combat that uh happening if you can't even see it or s you know, touch it? How how do you combat that?
SPEAKER_01It's something that we don't even really understand.
SPEAKER_00Right, for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I get that. Well, let's end this on a happier note. Okay, and I'll tell you the first thing I'll do when I die. Okay. One time we talked about how much I love ice cream, and I think this is maybe the third time I've talked about getting ice cream after I die. I'm in search of the perfect ice cream. And I Oh, it's freaking Rainbow Sherbert. Okay, obviously. The fuck out of here with that fucking bullshit. Are you fucking kidding me? No. Rainbow Sherbert? Yes. Is also the best drink water? Uh technically, yes. Not for you, the best taste for the soul, for the soul, Ashley. I can't. I'm on search for the perfect ice cream, and I got close once and they discontinued it. Oh, what was it? It was you're not gonna like this. No, it was Tillamook had a flavor that was peanut butter ice cream. Yeah. And it had nuts on the top of it, and it was so fucking good. Um, but it wasn't the perfect, it needed something more, and I wasn't sure what it was, but I was like, I'm gonna find it and I'm gonna add it, and I'll have the perfect ice cream. But then they discontinued it and I never got it again. So Tillamook, if you're listening to this, please bring back the peanut butter ice cream.
SPEAKER_00Um actually, there is a close second to the Rainbow Sherbert, and it was this ice cream that no. Oh no God. Sorry. Um, it was this ice cream that the Schwans man brought, and it was called Life is Like a Box of Chocolates, because this was when Forrest Gump came out, and it was like it was chocolate ice cream, and then it had little like cups, like you know, like a little Reese's cup, except they were like itty bitty tiny, and every cup had like a different, it was like a different candy, like some of them had peanut butter, and then some of them had like fruit flavor, like every little one of them was different, and it was so delicious.
SPEAKER_01Listen, I understand the appeal to that, first of all. Second of all, you only like it because there's something mini in it. I didn't really like I don't like things in my ice cream. I don't I don't like I want this the creamy denseness of a frozen ice cream with maybe something on top. Okay, so you don't like mix in the topping? Fuck no. Oh my god, you're so fucking weird. And so I would go on search for the perfect ice cream. And in heaven, if you get like a like a cup of ice cream, right? Like a like a you know, like a fucking soft serve and it's in a cup, the sides of it don't melt. It stays frozen in heaven.
SPEAKER_00Okay, but if you're in heaven, isn't every scoop of ice cream the perfect scoop of ice cream? No. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Preferences matter when you're dead. Okay. So I'd go on that search, and then when I found it, I would keep it to myself. Oh wow. I wouldn't let anyone else have it. Because you know what? This has been years in the making, and I want it for myself.
SPEAKER_00You're so selfish. And I don't know what kind of resources I'll have in heaven to get more of it. So Well, it's heaven, so I feel like you could have it all the time if you wanted, but that's just me.
SPEAKER_01I am a fatty, and I just want the perfect ice cream. Okay.
SPEAKER_00So well, what would I do? The first thing that I would do when I die is well, I would create like, okay, speaking of cats, I would create like possess somebody and that's not make them build sanctuaries for stray cats all over the world. And I would like somehow provide them with all the resources they needed to do this.
SPEAKER_01That's so much more giving than mine. Uh well, yeah, I'm like a real asshole.
SPEAKER_00You're selfish and I'm not.
SPEAKER_01Um, but what if when you get to heaven you could ask God to be in charge of all of the the the big cats that didn't get a good life and you build sanctuaries for them in the afterlife, and you just get to take care of big cats?
SPEAKER_00I would love that. That's my actual dream job is to um just run a sanctuary for big cats, but I and I actually looked at going to school for this, but I backed out because I was like, I I'm not gonna be able to handle when they're either released back into the wild or they die. Like I can't, I'm not gonna be able to do that.
SPEAKER_01Those fucking videos of them like releasing the animal back into the wild and then like a year later coming back in the animal remembering them. Yeah, I my heart can't take it. Yeah. And like you're happy because the animal's happy because it's found it's like you know, made family in the wherever it is. But like they remember that. Yeah. And it's so like, oh my god. I just I could I couldn't do that.
SPEAKER_00I think if I left for two weeks, my cats wouldn't remember who I am. My cat would because I'm the one that feeds her.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's right. So you'd be like, where the fuck have you been? Well, I'll think of a I'll think of a more uh altruistic one for next time.
SPEAKER_00There you go. So that wraps up this week's episode. Thanks for hanging out with us, and we hope you were just as stressed out as we were. If you survived tonight's episode, make sure to follow, rate, and share the podcast with your haunted BFFs.
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SPEAKER_01Don't miss out next week, where we tell you the true story of Heel Fanog. Have a good week and see you next Tuesday.